Why Not Me?

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head, and I don’t know where to begin.

I haven’t gotten better. I think I’m worse than what I was. The last year and a half has had ups and downs, but it feels like, mentally, it has maintained a downward spiral.

I am still having a hard time accepting that he sees other women as pretty or beautiful.

It was fine there for awhile, until recently when we started re-watching Game of Thrones (and its plethora of male gaze-based nudity triggered those feelings again; although they do mildly resurface when there is nudity in any other film or television show).

I know it’s natural for people to see the beauty in others despite being in a relationship, but I can’t help feeling hurt. To me, it almost feels unfaithful, but I can’t figure out why. There is no reason for that, because I know he would never, ever go that route. But it also feels like he settled for me, as if I was the only option at the time. So when he sees a beautiful face, I wonder if that’s a look he would rather have in a partner, or enjoys more, or is overall a better face. Not my look. Not my appearance, but someone else’s.

He says he doesn’t feel any attraction towards them, just that he appreciates their beauty. Part of me believes that, and part of me doesn’t, too. But it also feels the same to me. Regardless of how it’s worded, it still makes me feel hurt and insecure. I don’t feel like I’m pretty or attractive or anything at all. In any way. So how can he believe that Natalie Dormer is beautiful, and then think the same of me? Or think anything of me at all? And how can he expect me to believe it?

It also almost begs the question: how many other people think the same of the women he finds attractive? I’m sure there are many. But does anyone think that of me? No. So the one person who is supposed to think something of me is distracted by everyone else. Without him, for me, there is no one. I blend into the background while everyone else stands out. (I suppose that may be why, at least partially, I don’t believe him when he calls me beautiful. For him, it’s an obligation. He isn’t obligated to think of anyone else that way, yet he still does.)

He says that he doesn’t feel any attraction towards the nude women in the show, or elsewhere, for that matter. Who wouldn’t like or “appreciate” their bodies? I don’t know what to believe about that, either. I don’t know if I even want to know.

He says he likes my personality. But my personality isn’t enough; I want to be pretty, too.

He says that beauty isn’t everything, and I shouldn’t focus on that. How can I not, when he sees the beauty in everyone?

He says if I were confident, then other women being good-looking wouldn’t matter. Even if I were confident, it wouldn’t stop him from seeing them as beautiful. They still would be. The only difference would be pretending my appearance is something that it’s not.

He once said that, “When I see beauty, I think of you.” But I don’t want that. I don’t want to be projected onto what he feels for someone else. It wasn’t my “beauty” that struck him; it was theirs. No need to pretend otherwise.

He asked me why he doesn’t feel insecure, wondering if I might find another man attractive. It’s because I don’t. I don’t look at anyone else like that, perceive them as attractive at all, or even acknowledge if they may be beautiful. And he knows that. But I know it’s not the same for him. So I am insecure and jealous. Every time we go out to bars, malls, stores, anywhere, I immediately sink back into that dirty pit of despair, because I know there are other women who have drawn and are drawing his eye. I try so hard. I try so hard to look good. But I don’t know enough about makeup or hairstyles or outfits. I’m not enough.

I did some Google searches to see if anyone feels the same as I do. Those posing the questions feel the same. But nearly every person responded with something along the lines of “get over it” or “my husband and I talk about who we find attractive.” I don’t think I can get behind that. It may work for some couples, but not for me. I can’t encourage him to point out the women he finds pretty or beautiful or hot. Because I know I couldn’t ever compare to them. Other comments said, “If you’ve been together for XX number of years, then obviously he wants to be with you.” Sure, but that doesn’t make me pretty. That doesn’t stop the looking.

I can’t really explain how terribly this makes me feel. I don’t know if I even fully understand it. But I know it’s not good. It almost makes me feel like less, both as a person and regarding my self-esteem, knowing that everyone else shares his attention, too.

Sometimes, if I don’t think about it, I’m okay. But, when I do think about it, it’s all I think about. And it hurts.

Me: The Painful Synopsis

My boyfriend put me up to this. He thinks it’ll make me feel better. I’m a little doubtful. 

I am extremely insecure. I have zero confidence. I don’t feel good about myself. I hate my body. I’m too short, too flat, and I feel chubby. My thighs are too big. I have love handles that I don’t love. I don’t like my face. My belly won’t go away, even after doing intense ab workouts for six months during track season. In June, I had sixteen inches of hair cut off because I thought I needed a change and I knew my boyfriend liked short hair on women. But I hate my hair, too. I’m just not happy with myself or my appearance. I don’t even look at myself in the mirror. 

It wasn’t always like this. There was a brief period in high school when I felt kind of okay. I decided one day that I didn’t care, and I was a little happy. Then my ex and I started dating, which carried on into college. The thing about dating, though, is that I used to think that, when in a relationship, your partner was the only attractive person to you. I don’t know why I thought that. It never occurred to me that they wouldn’t be. But the shit show that was that relationship aside, my ex never once indicated that he found someone else pretty or attractive in any way. I’m sure he did, but he never said anything otherwise, and I was okay. 

Then, within the first month of my current boyfriend and I dating, he told me that he thought some actress was hot. My whole little world fell apart. And I was insecure again. I was hurt by it. That happened twice more as the months went by, and I just felt worse and worse. 

Now I’m just hurting all the time. I don’t feel good enough for him or myself. I immediately get a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I see someone walk by every time we go out. I wonder if he thinks she’s pretty, and I compare myself to her. I wonder what I can change about myself to look better. My anxiety rears its ugly head whenever there’s nudity or some sexual scene on T.V. (which is inevitable because women are outrageously over-sexualized in almost every media outlet), and I just shutdown. I’m afraid he will like her body better than mine, afraid that he will think she’s prettier. My boyfriend has been really good about helping me through the nude scenes, though. He won’t look and we talk through it and he reassures me. But I still feel awful afterwards. 

I know it’s normal for everyone to find people pretty or beautiful, regardless of whether or not they’re in a relationship, and I’m not blaming my boyfriend. For me, I just ignore the appearance of other people. I don’t find someone else attractive or beautiful or anything because I think it’s disrespectful to my boyfriend. I don’t want to think someone else is attractive. 

He calls me beautiful and pretty and everything else. But I neither believe him nor do I accept the compliments. Well, sometimes I believe him, but not when he tells me that he thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. How could I, when I know he thinks Natalie Dormer is extremely attractive? When he compliments me, I don’t feel anything except empty and sad. They’re not special. They could be easily applied to anyone else, and likely are since I’m not the only person he finds attractive. I’m not special at all. Nobody sees me and goes, “Wow, she’s hot!” or anything of the like. I don’t want to be put on a pedestal, but I do want to feel at least a little pretty. 

I started writing down the compliments that people give me. I read somewhere that it may help me feel better. What it made me realize instead, though, is: 1) I don’t get very many compliments, and; 2) the vast majority of them are about my eyeliner. I’ve also been buying and reading a bunch of self-help books in the hopes that they would spark something in me. They haven’t. 

Before my boyfriend, no one had ever said that I’m beautiful. All I was ever told was, “at least you have a great personality,” which is what they tell you when you’re not that attractive. Or that you’re a “late bloomer.” To add to it, I was bullied growing up, and my family always picks apart my appearance whenever I see them. “You look like you’ve gained weight.” “You should have your eyebrows done.” “Don’t get that haircut, you can’t pull it off.” So I’m sure that’s where the insecurity originated, and now it’s manifesting in and twisting  this issue. 

I know appearances aren’t everything and that the beauty ideal is a product of a corrupt society, but I still want to feel pretty. To feel something other than hurt. To feel like I matter even a little bit. 

He says we can’t keep having this conversation, and I know we can’t. I don’t want to. But my feelings aren’t changing and I have no one else to talk to. I don’t know what to do. 

-J

Ps. If you have any advice or thoughts on the matter, please leave a comment.